"not doing so good" phase

Intro to the actual post:

Part of the reason I write this blog is because I struggle with mental illness and I want to change the stigma attached to it. Most people I know see me as completely normal and yet I struggle daily with depression and a mood disorder (which is, if you will, the little sister to bi-polar, meaning that I can be happy and energetic one minute and completely sullen and down the next and not be faking either). I feel like we are taught to be ashamed of things like depression especially in Christian circles because "Christ offers so much hope" and "Aren't you just happy with how blessed you are". Those statements, however, are like saying to a diabetic "Come on. Just suck it up and don't be diabetic. Life is what you make it. You're not diabetic. I've watched you eat sugar once and you were fine." Or to a person with a broken leg "Walk it off. There's nothing wrong with you." It's silly. My mom (who also struggles with depression) had a counselor tell her once "People that don't understand, THANK GOD they don't! Because that means they don't go through the mental hell you face everyday." I may not have that verbatum but that was his point and it's true. THANK GOD a lot of you don't understand because it's horrible. I wouldn't wish it on an enemy. So anyway, that is part of why I blog so openly and wear my heart on my sleeve to help change this social stigma and help closet depression sufferers not feel like they're the only ones who feel the way they do.

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Actual Post:

As with anything in life I have seasons of "doing good" with depression and "not doing so good". And thankfully I have learned to recognize when I start to slip into a "not doing so good" phase because then I can be proactive about not letting it slide into a full on metal break down. For the last few months I have been smack dab in the midst of a "not doing so good" period. I'm actually never sure what starts these seasons. I used to keep it to myself because I didn't want to bother people or worry anyone or make anyone angry (which is sometime how people react) but then it would get slowly worse until I was unable to get out of bed or stop the anxiety attacks on my own. (I shutter even thinking about times I have gone through this... awful.) Anyway, I have learned that I HAVE to share when I am slipping back in to a bad place so that people who love me can keep me accountable to doing the things I need to do to reverse this. However, I am not always good at this. It's easier to just say I'm fine so that I don't have to talk about it. Rob has become really good at "reading me". Just yesterday he looked at me and said "How ya doing?" with the tone in his voice that wasn't small talk, it was "how is your heart doing?" and I lied and said "fine". (Sorry babe - of course I'm pretty sure you knew it was a lie). Well, sleepless nights (like tonight), racing thoughts, and inappropriate guilt say other wise. So "da-da-da-daaaa" (that was trumpet sounding): I am not doing well. There, I said it.

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I have certain triggers that I have come to know and I try to avoid them. Some are things, some are thoughts, some are certain people. If I know a time is coming up where I'm going to have spend time with said people I am really anxious for weeks leading up to it. As far as thoughts, all of us, whether depressed or not, have thought patterns that we have formed over the years - natural ways our thoughts flow. Sort of like a hill with water running down it. After years of running down it has formed a rut that channels the water. It then becomes really difficult to redirect the water without some major work. This is one of the things I have to attempt to work on, especially in my "not so good" seasons.

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One of the inappropriate water (thought) channels I deal with is a feeling of responsibility for people or things that I actually do not have responsibility for. For instance, world hunger. Although it certainly is a large issue I walk around obsessing about it and feel enormous guilt because "if I was just doing more, if i was just education more people about it, if I was just ....." I feel like it is my fault. World hunger is my fault. Even typing it out makes me grin because of the absolutely ridiculousness of the thought but that's what I think multiple times a day. "It's all my fault." I do this with people too. Certain people in my life are triggers because I feel this overwhelming urge to rescue them from their bad choices or situation. So I feel overactive guilt anytime I can't do so. I also, many times, feel like I have to love people soooo much and encourage people sooooo much that I drain myself completely. I think about how unloved and unlovable I have felt and how much hate and anger there is in the world that I exhaust myself by pouring my attention into others to the point of break down for me. It sounds nice (or perhaps to you sounds like I'm patting myself on the back) but it's destructive. No one can possibly thrive under the pressure I put on myself. I know that in my head and I know that enough to type it out here but my heart never remembers this.

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I feel like life is very surreal these days. Like we all are running around busy with this and that preparing for "tomorrow" but it never really comes because the next day we're still just preparing for "tomorrow". This is true and good to keep in mind but not to the point of feeling like life is meaningless (which I sometimes do). BTW this is where a well meaning person would insert something about how "blessed" I am because they don't get that even the things they call blessings are abstract to a person in this mental state. But that's ok, I deal with it because as said above THANK GOD they don't get it. Anywho, this is a thought I have been fighting lately. Water I am trying to redirect.

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I am struggling with anxiety lately over a book I am trying to write. It is about experiences I have had and observations I have made but many of the topics are hard for me to revisit and so I get anxious. Maybe you would then advise me to stop writing it then but deep down I feel like (and Rob agrees) that these things MUST come out of my soul at some point. I HAVE to purge them, get them out. Kind of like throwing up tainted food. The process is violent but the outcome is life saving.

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As my 30th birthday approaches I feel like I know nothing. Nothing about life. Nothing about God. Nothing. Which maybe is normal at this age - past the early 20s when you know everything :) So I feel lost about common topics that people feel really strongly about because I have no idea what the actually factually truth is about it. I just don't know. I don't know anything.

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I see a psychiatrist once every 6 months or so and upon seeing him a few weeks ago even he said "Man. You're not doing well at all. Come see me in a month". So if you are worried reading this know that I am under his watchful eye and Rob's. I don't write these things to scare or worry anyone. Just to be honest and to let it out. In fact I feel better than when I started typing now that i think about it.

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Although I don't want you to worry any gentile (and I do mean GENTILE) reminders to be kind to myself and take care of myself from you all would be appreciated.

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PS- I apologize if this post kinda rambled on and on...

Fiber Arts and Such

I have been knitting quite a bit these days, making many Christmas gifts. I am trying to make most of this year's gifts and have found some cool projects to try. It's been a little hard coming up with homemade things my little nephews will actually like but I think I finally have a good idea. We shall soon find out. After Christmas I'll post lots of pictures.

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I have been finishing up some quilts lately that I have been working on for far too long. Here are three I made for a friend who is having a baby soon: The large one is for her, the smaller for the baby, and the tiny one for her (the baby) to use with a baby doll. I really like the way they turned out. (Pink and blue are my friend's favorite colors.)

I have also finished up one for my friend in Minnesota, James. He ONLY likes blue :) so I worked hard to make an interesting quilt with only shades of blue (and a little white). I am working right now to finish up one more quilt that is already started and then I am FINALLY making one for just Rob and I. It's the whole "The cobblers children have no shoes". I have made so many quilts for some many people and Rob and I sleep under a thin, rough to the touch, cheap comforter bought for like $40 ten years ago. Not complaining just saying that it's kinda silly seeing as I make and give away such pretty, warm blankets. So, soon I'm starting one just for us and I really have some great ideas for it.

Strays Find Me

Somehow, if in a crowd, stray children single me out. When I say "strays" I mean kids who I can tell are either neglected or abused. They randomly approach me in public places and ask me for something. Could be big or small but regardless this happens a lot to me and I'm not sure why. My mom says that children can just tell when you are loving like it's a vibe you give off. And she would know. She has had the same things happen to her.
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Two examples from the last few months:
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Mya: Rob and I took the kids to Oak Island, NC this summer for a beach vacation. My parents came for the first few nights too. The first night we were there all six of us went down to the beach that by then (7pm) had been deserted. It was only our family on the beach... and one little girl. She looked to be about 10 and was splashing in the waves but there was no adult of any kind in sight. Right as I was thinking it my Dad said "So WHO is going to be here to pull this girl out if she gets sucked under by a wave?!" It was weird. A couple of us hung out on the beach until we saw her walk back to the house she was staying in (which happened to be right next to ours).

The next day there were more people on the beach and she was on the beach - still no adult with her. Well now I was getting irritated and worried for her. I kept catching her looking at me and then looking away. I was knitting and it was Rob's turn to watch the kids in the water. Elise was cold and had wandered up to warm up in her towel. Right about then I heard a small voice say "Can you come over to my house and play?" and it was the girl. She was talking to Elise. My daughter (who is completely innocent, as she should be at 5) looks at me expectantly and says "I don't know. Mom, can I?" Of course in my head I'm like "Umm NO. NO. NO FREAKIN WAY" but I said out loud instead "Well I don't think it's appropriate for us to go into each other's houses because we don't know each other well but (turning to the girl) if you want I can ask your Mom if you can come over to our porch for a little party with snacks?" (Beach front houses are all squished together there and there was about 6 feet between the two porches so I thought the mother might be ok with it if she could sit on her porch and observe.) The little girl agreed and told me her name was Mya and that she was 9. But she let me know that it was not her mother but her Grandmother. That's fine I said. No problem. I'll go ask your Grandmother. So, I went up to ask, all the time thinking she'd be hesitant, so I was choosing my wording and explanation well. However when I asked she didn't even look up at me from her magazine, blaring music, Coors light, and cigarette hanging out of her mouth and said "Yeah. Fine. Whatever." OH MY GOSH. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? There is NO WAY ON EARTH my little people would be going ANYWHERE without me in a case like this.

Anyway, so Mya walked over to our house with us and the three kids had chips, cookies, soda, and played board games. (BTW - with NO ONE from her house on their deck even glancing over periodically). At one point the kids got bored with games and we started charades. About two hours into the "party" I said "Ok Mya. I think it's time to go home now because we need to be able to spend some family time together." Tears welled up in her eyes "Oh but this is the best party I've ever been to" she said. I assured her we'd spend some more time with her the next day. And we did.

The next night at 11pm Rob and I were having wine on our deck with the lights off so we could see the stars. Some moron a few houses down was shooting of small fireworks but we didn't mind. We were just happy to be chillin' with the ocean breeze on our faces. The door to Mya's rental opened and an old man walked out. He walked down their pier and starts saying "Mya.....Mya....?" Not even in what I would call a yell. He did this for maybe a minute and then GOES INSIDE and shuts the door behind him. My head whips around to Rob and I go off "Are you freaking kidding me? Are you freakin kidding me Rob?!?! A 9 year old out alone at 11pm?! Do you KNOW what kind of people are out lurking at 11pm?! Oh you have got to be kidding me!" Rob is looking at me in agreement but, true to my nature, the poor guy can't even get a word in cause as my friend Robin J would say "I was hot".

I storm off down our pier, bra-less in a big t-shirt and my PJ shorts (None of which is a pretty scene. I've had babies... just sayin'). I am livid, walking and mumbling to myself. I finally, about ten houses down, see her little silhouette on someone else's deck and although I thought at the time I was going to say her name in a normal tone what came out was "MYA" in that low mama-aint-playin tone. What's even better is she actually immediately turns to the people and says "Ooo I gotta go" and runs down their pier to me. I wasn't even convinced as I was storming the beach that she would come with me even if I found her but sure enough, she ran off that deck right to me. "What's up" she said with a shaky I-just-got-caught voice. "What's up? What's up?! You wanna know what's up? There's a 9 year old on a beach at 11pm with NO ONE WATCHING HER! Mya, do you know what could happen to you out here? People could take you. People could hurt you. You could drown!" The lecture went on all the while with her going "Yes ma'am. I know. Sorry. Yes ma'am." In the moment I was, in my head, like "Christian. You are insane. you've known this girl for a day. What are you doing?" But I couldn't stop my mouth from spewing out concern. And she didn't seem to really mind.

We got to her stairs and I marched her up to the door and she opening it and went in. Looking back I should have yelled at the Grandparents but in the moment I was just pissed and knew she was home. My husband is watching all of this from our porch just grinning and shaking his head. He knows I'm "passionate" which is the nice way to say "outspoken jackass". But he loves that about me. I got on the porch and said "Holy crap. I'm Robin J!" and we both laughed. You see, if any of you know Robin J you also know that she will lovingly scold kids not just in random states but random countries as well. And just like me with Mya they actually respond to her. The reason is that she never comes across as the angry adult who is scolding because you should respect this or behave like that but they can sense that she is speaking up because she cares. Her poor husband Steve sits on the side lines like Rob, seeing it coming in his wife a mile away.

Anyway, I digress. Back to Mya. So I go to bed feeling funny about the beach situation. I'm still mad but I'm wondering how the rest of our stay will be with our oh so lovely neighbors. The next day on the beach our blanket is out and once again I am knitting. I glance up and down the shore line and see Mya about 100 yards away. I just look back down and keep knitting thinking "Well, I'm sure she's not going to talk to me anymore." No sooner did I complete that thought than I hear slight movement behind me. I turn and it's Mya, drawing in the sand with her finger. She looks up and says "Oh. Hey. I didn't see you there." My heart melted. It never ceases to amaze me how much children yearn for boundaries, yearn for someone to care enough to get mad when they can't find them. Her family left the shore that night.

I think of Mya so often. So often....

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Example number 2 (and much shorter, I promise :0)

The little Chinese Girl:

I took Rob and the kids out for Chinese food the other night because I was tired from work and didn't want to cook. As we entered the restaurant a small girl (once again probably nine years old or so) directed us to a table and gave us silverware. I'm thinking "Oookay...." but I'm SURE that she will disappear and an adult will emerge to be our server. Nope. She did the entire thing start to finish. She wrote our order so carefully on her little pad of paper writing neatly and slowly as any elementary student who is trying really hard to do a good job does. Malachi who is clueless of the problem with this situation says "Aww. How cute. We have a little girl for our waiter." I am growing more and more uncomfortable as she rolls silverware, takes orders over the phone waits on multiple tables at a time and swipes people's credit cards as they pay. Our food arrives and while we are all munching away, heads down, once again a little small voice is near me. "Can I ask you a question?" she says. "Sure" I respond. She pulls a piece of paper from behind her back and says sheepishly "Can you help me with my math homework because I don't understand it?" Tears are welling up in my eyes even as I type this and go back to that moment. My heart sank. "Sure" I said once again and helped her figure out the problems that were stumping her all the while thinking "Your MOTHER should be doing this with you". Not mad at the little girl of course, just heart broken over the situation. There were other women in the restaurant that night but she singled me out..... once again... not sure why.
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I don't have a moral to the story in this post. It's simply a reflection... something that goes through my mind a lot...... And you can say "Turn the parents in" but I know from trying to get approved for foster care that the system is overwhelmed and broken. It's just unfortunately not that simple. So here I sit. Broken hearted and feeling helpless. Yet still, they come.

Daisie & Grandpa D

My Grandpa died and I am sad. That's really all I have to say about that. Buried too many loved ones this year.

Slaughter Day

This is the head of a goat. This is the head of a goat that we killed. This is the head of a goat that we killed and cooked. This is the head of a goat that we killed and cooked for slaughter day. This is the head of a goat that we killed and cooked for slaughter day this year.

Every year for, oh I don't know, almost a decade I'd say, we and our Warren Ham crew select an animal and slaughter it and roast it over an open fire in the woods as a sort of fall celebration. We have done pigs, cows, and even emu's. This year was our little goat friend here. Along with the meat (cooked in various forms as you'll see below) the ladies always bring delicious side dishes and desserts too and it's just a great flavorful night with the old friends. Some years it's 50 people and some years it's small like this year but every year is a much needed break from the daily/weekly/yearly grind.

A shot of the shanty - no power up here in the woods but there is a wood stove which is nice when the sun sets for the little ones to warm up. See the deer horns on the side of the door? Elise, my little animal loving almost vegetarian, said in a disgusted tone "Geez. They sure like to kill things up here, don't they?!" Hahaha. Later on our drive home I asked the kids as I usually do after any event, "What was your favorite part of the day?" to which Elise stated "My favorite part? Nothing. They killed a goat Mom!" Hahaha. To each his (or her) own. But don't let her words fool you. She was all smiles all night as she played and ate desserts :)

Joel, Chris and Rob (and usually Tim but he's excused for having a baby 3 days before) cut up the meat all afternoon right at the campsite, prepping it for cooking.

There, of course, is always a keg of root beer or in the case of this year, birch beer.

What would be a campfire without a little boy poking it? Oh, I mean "fixing it".

Sister has to join in now of course.

The pot that will host the goat stew. My sister Jess is the one sitting in the stone thrown there - she was psyched to come up from Pitt for a visit just to find out it was slaughter day weekend!

Chris' daughter Hazel slept through most of evening.

Malachi loves babies and took many turns holding and feeding her :)

Yummy home made pumpkin whoopie pies.

Goat meatloaf cooking in a dutch oven.

These are templates for making shirts. Carved backwards so you spray on bleach and then press face down onto your blank shirt.

Rob stirring the stew.

Sally's fresh rolls. To. Die. For. These are just as famous and anticipated as the slaughtered animal!

Pumpkin whoopie pies and fresh warm apple crisp.

Finished stew. It was good. Meat was nice and tender. I'm not a huge meat fan in general so I only had one bowl but others had quite a few helpings.

Done meatloaf.

"Time to eat the kid"

I miss that place so much. Before we all had kids we'd be up there every Saturday night rain or shine just chillin in the woods. Axe throwing competitions, a never ending supply of mountain dew and way too many discussions about constructing a round boat.

Yes, we are strange. But we all fit together so nicely. My 5 year old looked at Chris Barker half through the night and whispered to me "He's weird" to which he and I started cracking up, "You have no idea Elise. This is just the tip of the iceberg!"

Viva Warren Ham.

Home Growth

I am wicked behind on blogging these day with work and school and life but I am trying to slooooowly catch up. This summer we did a tiny amount of gardening and I wanted to share some pictures. Rob's small crop of veggies did well and were of course beautiful to look at and tasty to eat.

One day while at Agway for something random the kids begged me to let them buy seeds. I did the whole "Yeah. Yeah. Fine. Just grab 'em." that moms do when they are in a hurry and then sat them down with dirt and pots more to amuse them than expecting anything to grow. They planted different kinds of seeds in the same pots, forgot to water them, and even Gus (the dog) knocked them over more than once. But low and behold, many grew and grew HUGE.

Watermelons - One watermelon seed took root and right before vacation I was like "Man, I better at least put this into the ground before we leave so it maybe will have a chance." I quickly stuck it in my flower bed (once again sure it wasn't going to grow) and when i did it was about 2 inches high. When we returned a week later it was huge and starting to sprawl.

It produced two melons. We had never grown watermelons before so we found out the hard way that we picked them way too early. BUT the red-ish one still was tasty. Next time we'll do a little more reading up and prep work so we can actually enjoy a fully ripened one. The kids were still very excited to eat the fruits of their labor.

These were some they planted and they grew higher than Elise!

These I bought but wanted to show you the flower box Malachi made for me with Daddy one day :) I love it.

And last but not least - this may not look like much but it's a young golden rain tree that I started down in Maryland from just a tiny twig and I can't wait until it's grown and starts to flower.

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All four of us are excited about planting a large garden next year. We plan to use about a third of the back yard (and one third for the chickens - I want 3, Rob wants 6.... we'll see. He DOES eat a ton of eggs...) We're already planning our planting strategy so that we have things coming up at different times all spring, summer, and fall long.

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I love nature.

Purging

Every once in a while you have to examine your life and purge the dead weight. I am going through one such time now. Best Buy was to the point where I realized that the issues I had there were never going to improve so I quit. My last day was Saturday the 2nd of October which strangely enough was the one year anniversary of the store opening. I started a new part time job I got in an Chiropractic office recently and love it. I'm still nervous and learning TONS every day but a) it's in the field my degree is in, b) has more potential for the future, c) is 8-4 week days so I'm home with my children at night and d) is only 10 min from home instead of 45. I am learning to be a Chiropractic Assistant there - taking blood pressures, etc. It's all very exciting to me. The doctor is also very into natural remedies which REALLY interests me. It seems like an honest to goodness God-sent to me.
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Also...... I decided to end youth group and the youth rec center all together. Both of which I'd work so hard to get lessons and snack and money around for just to sit there alone. I gave both the college try (youth rec center one year) but to continue to do something that's not working is the definition of insane. I'm not sad about closing the youth house either because I truly gave it all I had. I feel like the trying has to count even if the action is a total flop.
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Youth group response has been under whelming and as we tried different things I tried to think about what the difference was between the youth group I grew up in and the one I was trying to run. All of the sudden one night recently it hit me like a ton of bricks: the parents. My youth group as a child and teen loved Jesus and we wanted to follow Jesus and lead others to him and were passionate but the difference was our parents were ALL fully in love with Jesus and themselves shared Christ. Without this element our youth group never had a chance. I can bang my head against the wall til the cows come home but if youth see their parents living "good lives" but with Jesus only being a small piece of the pie (if any at all) then they will naturally feel no need to make him anything more. I will continue to hang with and mentor the few kids that showed up on a regular basis via taking them out to eat, going to their sports games etc. But as for an open invitation gathering, no.
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My heart has been tugged HARD upon by the Lord recently by the overwhelming stat that 26,000 children die PER DAY of hunger related causes. I have cried, I have pondered, I have brainstormed, and I have felt helpless over this fact... what the heck can I do to even put a dent in this number? I mean I sponsor a few kids through Compassion and give to missions here and there but I don't want this stat to be true. I want this stat to decrease a lot in my life time. but how?
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Rob was the one to convince me to end youth group and focus more on this cry of my heart for the time being because God puts things on our hearts for a reason. I'm not sure how that will translate yet... probably some fasting so I can really FEEL hungry like they do and prayer.... maybe I will gain some clarity then.... not sure....
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My daughter has also been very effected by the poor around the world lately. This summer in bible school she learned about Haiti and what happened there and ever since has been giving her money to missions and trying to come up with ideas to help poor children. She draws pictures of people handing out aid and asks me many questions. I tear up every time at her heart for the poor. We are getting ready to make shoe boxes for Samaritan's Purse and she and Mal are excited to shop for the items they will each make for a child their age. Honestly, THEY challenge me all the time with their generosity and how they really get "do unto others as you would have it done unto you".
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I graduate in about 4 weeks. Life is changing..... but life is good.

Treman

I was very stressed about a month ago and sent Rob a text from work saying that I gave away the next two days shifts at work and to pack the camper cuz I NEEDED to go camping for a few days. It's Rob so he happily obliged. We headed just 20min away to Robert Treman State Park. It was rainy but great to get away none the less. We rented a non-hook up site for $15 per night and got about $30 worth of groceries. Love cheap get aways! Just what we all needed.

Love this one. So like a little boy "Ew Mom."

Watching a video with Jiffy Pop. We had lunch this day at College Town Bagels in Ithaca near the commons and let me say that I can not go to Ithaca with out eating here. They have about 100 bagel sandwiches and I can get avocado on ANYTHING I WANT. I am in HEAVEN when I'm eating there. No joke.

Sewing with Mommy while Rob read and Malachi watched an action movie in the jeep. She was making a little pillow for herself. Hiking at Toughannock State Park (just 10min from Treman).

Mal was very into collecting different kinds of leaves he came across.

That's smoothed stone, not water. If you wanted to you could walk the whole way on the creek bed.

Mal was pouting about something here and lagging behind. So this was me taking a picture over my shoulder to make sure he was still walking but as to not let him know I was checking :)