Intro to the actual post:
Part of the reason I write this blog is because I struggle with mental illness and I want to change the stigma attached to it. Most people I know see me as completely normal and yet I struggle daily with depression and a mood disorder (which is, if you will, the little sister to bi-polar, meaning that I can be happy and energetic one minute and completely sullen and down the next and not be faking either). I feel like we are taught to be ashamed of things like depression especially in Christian circles because "Christ offers so much hope" and "Aren't you just happy with how blessed you are". Those statements, however, are like saying to a diabetic "Come on. Just suck it up and don't be diabetic. Life is what you make it. You're not diabetic. I've watched you eat sugar once and you were fine." Or to a person with a broken leg "Walk it off. There's nothing wrong with you." It's silly. My mom (who also struggles with depression) had a counselor tell her once "People that don't understand, THANK GOD they don't! Because that means they don't go through the mental hell you face everyday." I may not have that verbatum but that was his point and it's true. THANK GOD a lot of you don't understand because it's horrible. I wouldn't wish it on an enemy. So anyway, that is part of why I blog so openly and wear my heart on my sleeve to help change this social stigma and help closet depression sufferers not feel like they're the only ones who feel the way they do.
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Actual Post:
As with anything in life I have seasons of "doing good" with depression and "not doing so good". And thankfully I have learned to recognize when I start to slip into a "not doing so good" phase because then I can be proactive about not letting it slide into a full on metal break down. For the last few months I have been smack dab in the midst of a "not doing so good" period. I'm actually never sure what starts these seasons. I used to keep it to myself because I didn't want to bother people or worry anyone or make anyone angry (which is sometime how people react) but then it would get slowly worse until I was unable to get out of bed or stop the anxiety attacks on my own. (I shutter even thinking about times I have gone through this... awful.) Anyway, I have learned that I HAVE to share when I am slipping back in to a bad place so that people who love me can keep me accountable to doing the things I need to do to reverse this. However, I am not always good at this. It's easier to just say I'm fine so that I don't have to talk about it. Rob has become really good at "reading me". Just yesterday he looked at me and said "How ya doing?" with the tone in his voice that wasn't small talk, it was "how is your heart doing?" and I lied and said "fine". (Sorry babe - of course I'm pretty sure you knew it was a lie). Well, sleepless nights (like tonight), racing thoughts, and inappropriate guilt say other wise. So "da-da-da-daaaa" (that was trumpet sounding): I am not doing well. There, I said it.
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I have certain triggers that I have come to know and I try to avoid them. Some are things, some are thoughts, some are certain people. If I know a time is coming up where I'm going to have spend time with said people I am really anxious for weeks leading up to it. As far as thoughts, all of us, whether depressed or not, have thought patterns that we have formed over the years - natural ways our thoughts flow. Sort of like a hill with water running down it. After years of running down it has formed a rut that channels the water. It then becomes really difficult to redirect the water without some major work. This is one of the things I have to attempt to work on, especially in my "not so good" seasons.
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One of the inappropriate water (thought) channels I deal with is a feeling of responsibility for people or things that I actually do not have responsibility for. For instance, world hunger. Although it certainly is a large issue I walk around obsessing about it and feel enormous guilt because "if I was just doing more, if i was just education more people about it, if I was just ....." I feel like it is my fault. World hunger is my fault. Even typing it out makes me grin because of the absolutely ridiculousness of the thought but that's what I think multiple times a day. "It's all my fault." I do this with people too. Certain people in my life are triggers because I feel this overwhelming urge to rescue them from their bad choices or situation. So I feel overactive guilt anytime I can't do so. I also, many times, feel like I have to love people soooo much and encourage people sooooo much that I drain myself completely. I think about how unloved and unlovable I have felt and how much hate and anger there is in the world that I exhaust myself by pouring my attention into others to the point of break down for me. It sounds nice (or perhaps to you sounds like I'm patting myself on the back) but it's destructive. No one can possibly thrive under the pressure I put on myself. I know that in my head and I know that enough to type it out here but my heart never remembers this.
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I feel like life is very surreal these days. Like we all are running around busy with this and that preparing for "tomorrow" but it never really comes because the next day we're still just preparing for "tomorrow". This is true and good to keep in mind but not to the point of feeling like life is meaningless (which I sometimes do). BTW this is where a well meaning person would insert something about how "blessed" I am because they don't get that even the things they call blessings are abstract to a person in this mental state. But that's ok, I deal with it because as said above THANK GOD they don't get it. Anywho, this is a thought I have been fighting lately. Water I am trying to redirect.
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I am struggling with anxiety lately over a book I am trying to write. It is about experiences I have had and observations I have made but many of the topics are hard for me to revisit and so I get anxious. Maybe you would then advise me to stop writing it then but deep down I feel like (and Rob agrees) that these things MUST come out of my soul at some point. I HAVE to purge them, get them out. Kind of like throwing up tainted food. The process is violent but the outcome is life saving.
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As my 30th birthday approaches I feel like I know nothing. Nothing about life. Nothing about God. Nothing. Which maybe is normal at this age - past the early 20s when you know everything :) So I feel lost about common topics that people feel really strongly about because I have no idea what the actually factually truth is about it. I just don't know. I don't know anything.
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I see a psychiatrist once every 6 months or so and upon seeing him a few weeks ago even he said "Man. You're not doing well at all. Come see me in a month". So if you are worried reading this know that I am under his watchful eye and Rob's. I don't write these things to scare or worry anyone. Just to be honest and to let it out. In fact I feel better than when I started typing now that i think about it.
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Although I don't want you to worry any gentile (and I do mean GENTILE) reminders to be kind to myself and take care of myself from you all would be appreciated.
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PS- I apologize if this post kinda rambled on and on...
