Sunday, June 28, 2009

"Why don't you blog anymore?"

It's the middle of the night and I'm up. Up thinking about how much people change over time.

Some of you have mentioned that you miss my blogging out my thoughts... I guess ever since my major break down last year I have doing a TON of thinking and processing and praying and being still - if that makes sense. When I think about the last year the bible verse that comes to mind is when they say that Mary (Jesus' Mom) "She took all these things and pondered them in her heart". I haven't blogged my thoughts in a while because they are still forming.

Things aren't what you imagined them to be most of the time. Part of my break down last year was the long-time-coming realization that Jesus wasn't who I thought he was. I had had him pegged. All figured out. He was this, he was that, and this is the way you show your love and devotion to him, and blah blah blah. I mean I had staked my entire life on this Jesus and slowly the real Jesus was unraveling the image I had created. It's insanely frightening to stare at the fact that your whole life has been based on something just to realize it isn't what you thought it was. Panic attacks in sued.

At first I was ashamed to admit to even myself that that was one of the major things going on in my heart. Our culture puts so much guilt into our faith even though God doesn't "do" guilt in the sense of making you feel bad about things. He's far more direct, dealing frankly, not manipulating. (I know we're guilty of sin so all of you having a heart attack here - chill and just hear me out).

So, anyway, yeah. Couldn't even admit it to myself at first that I was doubting Jesus. I mean doubt Jesus? That would be horrible. Damning. Unacceptable. But I was.

The more I read his word, the more I talked with him the less he looked like the picture that was painted in mind. And that was scary. Uncharted waters. More panic attacks.

What would my husband think? Am I allowed to be thinking these things? What is going on inside of me? Panic attacks. Crying, crying, and more crying. The unknown is terrifying.

Finally one night, alone and crying, I asked Jesus "So, who are you?" and I felt (instead of the cold and angry response I had expected) a warm, almost smile in his voice as he answered "That's a good question. Let's talk about that." And the dialog is still going on between us. Slowly peace is inching it's way in.

I think when we get to the point where we can name all of the specifics that Jesus is and isn't we have created an idol. He's far too vast for that.
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Monday, June 22, 2009

Father's Day Quilts

I made my Dad and Rob's Dad each a quilt for Father's Day this year. Each fits their personalities and interests. Here's some pictures of Bob's first:

First rough sketch

I loved the corn material1/2 way done. I honestly forgot to take a picture of the finished product before I gave it to him so I'll have to do that sometime. I lined it with a row of brown with small patches of corn on each corner and backed it with brown flannel.

My dad's was in sections that each represented something:
Soccer Balls - were because he loves soccer and still plays on a team. Ice Cream - he is always trying to talk one of us kids or his grandkids into walking to Friendly's with him for a sundae (and used too when we were kids too)

    People - he is always out after work helping random people he meets. He finds and delivers free furniture to the needy, helps little old ladies, mentors troubled youth, you name it, he's there. Yogi Bear - As a toddler my nick name was Boo Boo Bear and he still calls me it now and then
  • Light Houses - each summer of my childhood my family would go to either Stone Harbor, NJ with my dad's side of the family or to Booth Bay Harbor, ME with my mom's. Lots of beach/ocean memories


  • Movies - Dad loves to go to the movies

  • Sports - he loves to watch sports


  • Coffee - loves hazelnut coffee and is always asking "want a coffee?"
Man. I tell ya what, two quilts with the same deadline just about killed me! Especially because my daughter decided that she should help with my dad's (not sure why). Do you know how long it takes a four year old to put in ONE pin? The answer is FOREVER!!! And then I was letting her help by using the foot pedal. Her reaction time is fairly slow so I'd be like "stop........... Stop.... STOP STOP STOP!" and then she'd be like "Oh sorry Mama I didn't hear you the first time". So I had to learn to ask much further back than I actually needed to stop. I think I should get some sort of patience award for that... :0)
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Monday, June 15, 2009

My 100th Post

Hi everyone. I know I haven't blogged in forever. Been soooo busy! Today was our daughter's 4th Birthday - here are some pictures from her party on Saturday:Awesome cake done by our friend Denice.
The belle of the ball!

Two short clips of dancing:
Two super short clips of opening gifts:
The cake!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKlccxJMGTM&feature=channel


This is our little friend Zeb. He and our daughter were born on the same day just hours apart. We spent the morning at his pool party so by the time the day was done we were all wiped!

The Birthday girl with her Great Grandma D.

An outfit she got as a gift.

Can't believe my baby is 4! Wasn't she just born?!
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