"My life is a series of comings and goings... and I'm not sure how I feel about that" I wrote to my older sister recently.
Rob's job is weird. We have basically signed up to be in-country missionaries and thus we are subject to move a lot. But while we are living in a given place we must love the people and community with all our might or else it's pointless; or else, why are we there? So we open our hearts to many and some open their hearts to us and then.... we leave.
Pain.
Pain for us. Pain for them.
Now, I believe in the system we're in and here's why: Rob and I feel that we are sent by God to "make straight the path" to him (as the bible speaks of). In other words, we feel that our gifts and talents help us to tell of a God who is living, active, creative, and not a stale dictating figure head. And in light of that how unique and loved each of them are. We strive to create a longing in people's hearts to seek God themselves and not be dependant on their spiritual leaders. So, the reason I think that the Methodist system (as painful as it can seem) works is because I think there is the potential for people to get comfortable if a pastor stays too long. And for the pastor to get comfortable too. Have you ever heard some say they need "fresh eyes" on something? Same thing here. I feel that every church Rob has served in we have been there to do something specific and then it's time to move on and let the next person come in and lead in the next specific step God is telling them that particular church needs.
Soooo... we come... and we love fiercely... and then we are torn away...
It's so hard.
I remember 3 years ago driving my mini van to a home that I had never seen before in a state I had never lived in before. My husband was on the same voyage driving a U-Haul truck with all of our possessions and I was in the van with a 18 month old little boy, a 4 week old little girl, the dog, and our plants. As I approached the "Freeland" exit on route 83s in Maryland I put on my blinker and took a deep breath and whispered "Here goes nothin".
The first week my son got sick and I remember the sinking feeling of not knowing whether to take a right or a left out of my drive way to try to get him to a hospital.
I remember that week my frazzled husband kicking me and the kids out of the house so he could think about his sermon (the first he would give to his new churches) and us ending up at the Amish Market (me sobbing... and then befriended by a very kind woman who introduced me to her daughter who also had small children so that I would have a friend...)
I remember asking my husband if we could go home. It was so different for me being away from my ultra large family... with a new baby... and a toddler... and during that first year and a half God kept bringing a song by Sara Groves to mind:
"I've been painting pictures of Egypt
leaving out what it lacked
The future feels so hard and I wanna go back.
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
Those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned."
So we stayed. I felt like Maryland was my "dessert" but we stayed and pressed on.
I remember longing for female friends and being lonely. I remember longing for biblical teaching from someone other than my husband. Longing for a bible study that I could go to and not be the pastor's wife. And then one day at the park in Shrewsbury PA a woman there with her kids invited me to the women's bible study at the Hunt Valley Church which proved to be sooooooo crucial through my stay in MD! (Love you girls! And you too Frank! :) Talk about acceptance, encouragement, and even a good butt kicking now and then (mostly by Melanie and Dawn! :)
I remember my husband asking the congregations at Mt. Zion and Bentley "what can you do for the Lord at this church" and after praying about it, I nervously got up in front of the churches and played guitar (still not brave enough to sing until about 6 months after that). And in a sense, the band I was in (3:16) was formed due to that progression...
I remember disagreeing with a decision the youth ministry team had made, complaining about it, and being challenged by Scott to come join the team - come to the meetings, come to Youth Unplugged on Sunday Nights and THEN offer my input. And I did and it's been one of the most joyful things in my entire life. (You are the best YU kids!)
So much happened in 3 years down in MD.... so many (good) changes in me. Definite growing pains... spiritual and emotion stretch marks...
I don't think you can go through life unchanged by those you come in contact with. I see it like this: Imagine we all start off as a pillar of a solid color. I am a pillar of, lets say, red. And in the process of knowing and loving others and them knowing and loving me we brush up again each other and when we part there are traces of their color on me and traces of my color on them... can you see it? And I think that's a beautiful thing...... If we are all made in God's image then I want to know you because to know you is to know God. Do you understand what I am trying to say?
So, in closing (for now) I am grieving the thought of not being able to see my MD crew: souls that I have brushed up against. But I am so thankful that I have been allowed to brush up against them and I hope they know that traces of their individual colors will always swirl through my soul.
I love you. - Christian
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