Restless. No other way to say it. I am restless.
I find myself approaching 30, youngest child registered for kindergarten, well settled into my marriage relationship and thinking long and hard about life.
I have never lived where I chose to. I have never be able to pick a home for myself and my family. I have followed Rob's dream for so long I realize that I have no dreams of my own. No goals.
And I hate it.
I live these day sad and restless. Crying all the time. And Mom if you ask me about my meds or anything else I'll scream. Just sayin'. You've been officially warned. This goes deeper than anything meds could touch.
I want something I can connect with. Work just seems like work to me. I don't hate it but I don't love it.
Home is not mine - that's the easiest way to say it. A parsonage is always someone elses from the yard to the roof and many times even if I think about making changes I then rationalize "Why bother. They can move us at anytime and the next pastor might hate the changes we've made." So I live without the qualities that any home I would pick would HAVE to have - a porch for starters... A kitchen with matching appliances, which parsonages NEVER have because if one breaks someone donates their old one when they buy a new one no matter how much coin the church has stashed away.... So much for my husband's 90 credit master's degree....
I hate Rob's job, have I mentioned that lately? Yes, hate it. Since day one. Actually since a year before day one when he first brought it up to me. He accepts this information with a grin knowing my feelings but appreciating that out of love for him I go with it.
These days I have been researching various cities all over the US and the world. Various dwellings too. An Earth Ship in New Mexico to live off the grid in a peaceful existence. A flat in Austin, TX to be near the thriving music scene. Centuries old homes/apartments in Europe where time almost stands still and there is a fresh marketplace under my window. There's a Best Buy in Turkey and my manager knows a manager there. Transfer anyone?
But honestly at work I am restless too. To the dismay of my bosses I recently asked to be de-moted because I don't like what my job has morphed into over the last few months. But alas they denied me my request. Probably a good thing since, as Rob gently pointed out to me one night, I wouldn't be any happier in another position because the problem's not work.
Rob asked me that same night why I started going to school last year and my response was "To not make minimum wage". He said this was a terrible reason to go to school. He asked what my goals were and I said after a minute, "I have none." And he looked sad. I said defensively, "Well what am I supposed to do?! I couldn't go to culinary school - that was a goal, and I'm still heartbroken over that..." As I've pondered this conversation more I have come to realize that all of my childhood and early adult dreams have failed so my heart is growing cold. Culinary school, nope. Lots of kids - nope (many miscarriages and horrible post part. depression), a home with a husband working a 9-5 - nope. hanging with my siblings care free - nope (my whole family's dynamics changed the day my brother Joe died), being in the music/journalism scene - nope, having a church family that I remember as a child before you get older and see all of the non-Jesus like daily happenings like back stabbing, greed, stubbornness, and just plan meanness.... Nope. Nope. Nope. Frickin' nope.
Almost every day I think to myself "vanity, vanity, all is vanity."
But what do I want? Can I stop being so angry inside? The answer to those two questions, I don't know.
22 comments:
I actually do hear you today. If aliens from another planet dropped in and ask me to take off and never return?...today I probably would go. I am not sick of the very special people in my life today...but I am most definitely sick of life today. "Vanity, vanity...it sure all seems like vanity."
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Happiness is a choice...If you have no goals you have no one to blame but yourself! Geez woman ...wake up and smell the coffee!!! Do you think everyone else in this world got the life they actually planned? HECK NO!!! Bottom line.. life is wonderful,awesome fabulous: a unique gift for all of us.(no refunds no returns; you have to keep this one so have fun with it...smile; oh what the heck..I enjoy a good belly laugh!) (JOBS)...We all go to work every day to fulfilling jobs that we totally love..NOT!!!! Do you read the paper or listen to the news? Do you know how many people would kill for your job? ...
You have 2 funny, beautiful children and a husband that loves you..sounds like pretty good family dynamics to me. How about you look at what you DO have and not what you don't have..
Don't like your house ..buy or build a different one.If new appliances is what you need..get some that you can move when you leave.
(Ahhh, Rob's job). You knew what he was gonna do when you married him so it isn't exactly a surprise. I'm not gonna ask about meds but i will ask; when's the last time you prayed about this.Maybe you should let God lead you where HE wants you to go.
If you really want to feel good about your life do something for some one else (random acts of kindness).
I'm just gonna tell you what I would say to the other 8 plus children/in-laws.. GET OVER YOURSELF! Life is too short to spend at a pity party.
Remember..happiness is a choice!
(recommend the book 'The Love Dare")
I
Dear Christian,
I turned on my computer today and your email stopped me in my tracks.
I can feel your pain right through my computer and I have been pondering the answers to your two questions.
My experience in life is that what I really want, I already have. A good and faithful husband, children, grandchild, extended family, friends, a relationship with God, and a deep appreciation for the natural world in all its seasons. You have many of these same things.
The icing on the cake for me is that I have a job that I absolutely love and have been doing it for quite a few years. You need to find your icing on the cake and I have a feeling that it might involve icing a few cakes!
DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAM OF CULINARY SCHOOL.
As for when will you stop being angry, only you can answer that question. Give yourself the gift of making lemonade when life hands you lemons. Anger is quite simply a waste of daylight and a huge energy drainer.
Young mothers of young children often find themselves having to put their dreams on hold. The focus instead becomes on helping those sweet children you have on finding their dreams. It may not seem fair, but I guarantee you that this too shall pass.
I was a young mother and the beauty of having children in your twenties is that you are free in your forties. Time becomes yours again to do what you want with.
I can't think of a greater goal in life than to be a mother who has time to be with her children. They grow up in a blink of an eye leaving lots of time to pursue career goals.
My dear, sweet, kindhearted, save the world Christian...Take a deep breath, find some one wise to talk to, and stay away from back-stabbing, mean people.
Hugs,
Robin Davis
Thanks for this honest post/rant. Most people would not be that open, although I suspect many of us have had similar feelings about life at times. I won't pretend that I can answer your questions or "fix" your problems, but reading this gave me several thoughts. Perspective is everything when it comes to one's attitude about life. When I look at even the most ordinary things around me with a sense of gratitude, they become a gift again in my heart. I will pray for you, that God will bring joy and purpose back into your heart.
With Love,
Harry T.
Nancy - first of all I did NOT know that Rob was going to be a pastor when we got married. he was a car sales man and HE changed the deal 2 years in.
second, your comments are ignorant of true depression struggle. I pray about this stuff all of the time and your post is ignorant and unloving.
-Christian
I think you have the same anger about life and have just accepted it with bitterness and so have no patience for me not being willing to accept it.
-Christian
Wow Christian! You can complain and complain and complain (which might I add is mostly what you do on facebook and your blogs) and talk negative about my brother and when my mother comes to his side you then feel the need to attack her. You are a bully and you will always dish things out but never can take the consequences. This is a true sign of your immaturity which i feel in part is due to the fact you got married so young.People are supposed to change and evolve over the years, thats what makes life so interesting. Do you really think Rob was happy being a car salesman?? Kind of like how you were a videographer and decided that wasn't for you and then being a mother was going to bring you happiness. As for Rob changing things by choosing a new career??? Happens to all of us, if Rob is happy in his career, as his wife, you should be happy for him. Do you even think for a minute of the struggles others go through. Joe has changed careers 3 times so far in our marriage and by the way his mom died when he was 13 and his dad was a bad alcoholic...no boo hoos from him. Life is a gift and I see every day people not recognizing that. You are one of those people. Its too bad that you cry all the time and you are not happy with marriage or your 2 healthy children. Until you get happy you are of no use to either of those things. But one word of advice...dont go looking for happiness in others, it really doens't matter what others do, (where you live, robs job, etc)it comes from inside yourself. Be happy with what you have, not always looking for happiness elswhere. You are just wasting time. And maybe next time you need to complain about someone you shouldn't make it public. I feel that my mom and dad and robs siblings and cousins and my daughter didnt really need to read this...Rindy
I realize this has become a very highly charged discussion, and I'm not going to attempt to get into the middle of it, but one thing I have to agree on with Robin...I don't think God is through with the culinary school thing yet. There are specialty culinary veins all over the world that deal with special diets concerning allergies, whether it's gluten-free, celiac disease, lactose intolerance, or peanut allergies. Maybe it's time to think outside the box, culinarily speaking.
I understand there is much more to this post than talking about a career. I am thankful that these dark places are for me only random and infrequent. Still I thought I'd throw that thought out since Robin voiced it as well. I've actually felt from day one that something more was going to come up in the area of a career in food.
Okay, I'm not sure how we got to this point. First of all, I'm not sure Christian spoke negatively about me. She doesn't like my job, and who can blame her. Does anyone else's career choice take every worship service, Easter and Christmas away from their family? Does anyone else have to contact a committe that will meet at the end of the moth every time the toilet clogs? Are you on call on vacation? And ultimately, this blog post has very little to do with me or my job, or even complaining.
I think Christian meant to vent her restlessness and frustration with realizing the one thing she doesn't have right now is an identity...a dream. Is it not okay to do that? The biggest problem in the church these days is the dishonesty among the people. We all walk arround telling everyone everything is fine, when it is not. He don't "boohoo" over loss and pain, so noone knows how we really feel. Having pushed down our own feelings, we then tell others stuff like, "Life is a gift" and "Happiness is a choice" when that is not always true. Life can flat out suck, and try as you might, being happy can be impossible...especially if we lack dreams and goals.
It is interesting to me that Rindy said to not look for happiness in others, when the very point of the blog seems to be that Christian realizes she has been doing that for years, and now sees she needs to find her own identity; not complaining about others, but about her need to find happiness by connecting with her own purpose.
My advice would be to do anything but just be happy. I'd say question everything...like Job did...but never lose the faith that God does have a purpose.
Ultimately, however, I am ok...after all I am a big boy who can stick up for myself if need be. And since I hate conversing via blog comment, I'd even challenge you all to call instead of text or comment, so we can really talk about what is going on here, because honestly, I can't help but think maybe some frustration may be that Christian says stuff that maybe some of you wish you could say if you could be honest about life.
I'll be honest...I get irritated with the negative blogging too. Yes, life can suck but I don't see the point in always complaining about it. It doesn't help anything...it just makes life more miserable for yourself and those around you. You have to make the best out of life...and if you think it sucks that bad then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT and DON'T MAKE EXCUSES. We could all make excuses because we all have a story. There are people out there with waaaaaay tougher lives than we could ever imagine who don't make excuses. If you're going to blog about the intimate details of you life, you have to expect to get responses you're not gonna like. Wouldn't you prefer people be honest with you, rather than just tell you what you want to hear? It's essentially us being honest with you....since you've been honest with us. You can't expect us to not get offended, but then get offended yourself...it's a double standard. Roxy
No underlying message...just forwarding this, to let you know you are not alone-but you already knew that:)
Mary DeMuth, She Speaks Conference Graduate
"For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, so that no man may boast before God." 1 Corinthians 1:26-29 (NASB)
I didn't know that when those older boys pinned five-year-old me to the earth, my backside poked by brambles, that someday God would choose that frightened little girl, sexually abused for a year, to shame the wise. But He chose a shattered me.
I didn't know that as my childhood home filled with drugs and unsafe parties, God would rescue weak and scared me. But, eventually, He salved my fears.
I didn't know that as I ran from other predators, the boys' marks on me like a beacon, I'd someday limp into the arms of a Savior. I felt debased, unworthy, ugly, dirty, ruined. But He welcomed me.
I didn't know that as my earthly father slipped from this earth, my Heavenly Father stood nearby, open armed. Though my earthly father's death left me fatherless, my Heavenly Father didn't orphan me. He grafted me into His family.
I didn't know that as I considered different ways to kill myself in junior high, as I faced a third parental divorce, that Jesus' own beautiful death provided a way of new life for me. He rescued me from taking my life.
I was all the things the apostle Paul wrote about in today's key verse, and then some. Neglected, needy, pained, lost, small, frightened. And yet God took those negatives and beautified them with Himself. That's the great paradox God brings to all of us, no matter how "easy" or hard our upbringing. It's not that we're strong and sufficient and wise, it's that He is.
Perhaps you've looked back on your past and shuddered. Perhaps you've questioned God about why He'd allow atrocities in your life. But consider this: God gets the most glory in the life fully surrendered to Him, and it's hard for a self-sufficient person to submit. He does the most work in our helplessness. (See 2 Corinthians 12: 9, 10).
Our weakness and frailty are not merely places of desolation; they are dance floors—holy places where the God of the universe is allowed to freely move in our lives. Our own lack allows for and welcomes this sacred dance where God's talent outshines our capabilities, where only He receives the glory.
Will you lay down your past today? Will you trust Him with the mess, the memories, the mayhem? If you do, He will take the marred pieces of your life, reassemble them, and make you fly. So you (because of Him) can shame the wise.
Lord, I confess I've seen my own injuries as reasons to blame you and keep You far from my heart. I'm sorry. Help me instead to see my weaknesses as a place where You can demonstrate Your strength. I welcome You into the painful places. Do something new and miraculous. I don't want to be embittered. I want to be free. And I want to give You all the glory. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Oh, Honey, I'm so sorry for your stuggles. You well know that I have experienced a lot of depression. It has nothing to do with not being grateful, that's one of the things that makes it so hard. And nothing to do with not letting God use your stuggles for His glory. I don't think God gave me depression, but I know He has the power to take it away. I don't know why He has choosen not to, but He gives me the strength to get through each day and serve Him. I know He does the same for you. I've been to more healing services, done more Bible studies and prayer and spiritual exercises than I can count for over 30 years. I,ve repented, rejoyed,gone up for prayer time, and time, and time again. I have and continue to do acts of kindness for other people. I know you do too. You are constantly doing kind things for others. I've gone to many councelors, tried many different medicines, and still...a daily struggle.
Many people don't understand chronic depression. I'm glad for them that they don't.
You mentioned many things in your blog, all of them important. But the thing that hits me most right now is your heartbreak over culinary school. I'm SO sorry, I know that was a dream, and you worked so hard to make it happen. It breaks my heart for you.
Well, I meant for this to be a short note, so much for that! Please know that none of this was written in sarcasm, nor ill will. Just out of love for Christian and because I share in many of her struggles. As Rob says, I really don't want to blog about this after today. If you want to talk more about this please call me and we can set up a time. I'm on face book and will give you my number in a private message there if you want it.
Just on a closing note to all: My blog is my journal and no one has to read it. I do many posts of pictures and happy updates and I also blog the things that weigh me down. My feelings are just that, feelings, and for the few that get tired of the neg posts I have 10 people email me privately and thank me for my honesty because they feel the same way about life. We then help support each other, encourage each other. Not everything is everyone's cup of tea but I blog because I feel and I question, and I grow. And as I said, no one is forced to read.
Hi Christian,
I can relate to just about everything you talk about here, right down to your reception of the comments telling you to just get over yourself and choose happiness already, dammit. How easy it is to sit and type vitriolic responses, and how cruel to do so when someone is clearly expressing pain. I hope you find a way to pursue your culinary dream, or formulate another goal for yourself, whatever it may be. Thanks for sharing so honestly.
Dear "Anonymous" writer, the one who wrote right before I did. Since I wrote yesterday I have wondered if anything I wrote sounded insensitive to what you went through as a child, (and as a teen and young woman). If I did in anyway, I am so sorry. What you went through is beyond belief. I can't even imagine your pain, and how helpless and afraid you must have been. Saying I'm sorry for what happened to you seems so inadequate. But I am so very sorry.
I hear what you're saying about God entering into the pain with you and using you to help others. Our God truly is wonderful and powerful, to take the brokeness of humanity and redeem it. May God richly bless you.
Sincerely,
Norma Santacrose
I am also trying hard to find my identity... as it seemed to have disappeared during my seven years of marriage. I love my husband and he has a great job. I love my daughter, she is my joy!
I also have a job, a good job, but why am I not happy with it? I don't feel it's my purpose. I feel like my purpose is to be in a missionary or a foster parent... both that my husband would not be happy with.
I have given up the dream of having a baby with him (my daughter is from a previous relationship)... I have given up hobbies due to (money). So I don't feel like I have much of me left.
I have been depressed for two years and I am struggling hard to get out of that dark hole. I want to live and be happy. I do love my family dearly... but I'm not sure why the love for myself has faded... but I'm working on it....
Hang in there! :)
Portia & Angie,
Thank you so much for your support and kind words. And Angie you do need to get some of yourself back -that's what I need to. I'm trying to make myself do my hobbies whether the money's there or not and it is sometimes a struggle with bills and groceries, etc but I, like you, long for "me".... maybe even today you can do one thing you used to do that brought you joy at some point. (BTW, foster care is one of my dreams too!)
love,
Christian
by the way Portia I just read your post "no prepping this time" and I LOVE IT.
Hi again:)
Thanks so much for stopping by my blog. The one you found is one I actually shared with two other bloggers, and I think we each posted once. The post you mention was written by Austere, one of my all time favorite bloggers, writers and translators. You may want to check out her blog some time, it's austereseeker dot blogspot dot com. Very soothing stuff. I hid my *real* blog after writing on it for a couple of years and finding that I couldn't bring myself to be honest enough about the negatives for it to be the outlet I needed.
I have been thinking about your post since I left my first comment. I kind of wanted to tell you how much I can relate, but then I'd be blogging all over again, only on your blog. However, I have been wishing that I had mentioned how sorry I was to read of you losing your brother, and the effect it had on your family. Though it was only mentioned briefly in your post, it stayed with me, and as much as each and every thing you mentioned is connected, I can't help but think this is something that might feel particularly heavy. I truly hope things feel differently for you soon.
This isn't very deep, but sometimes it helps me to remember the one thing we can count on is change, the temporary nature of every *thing*. Whether it is a blessing or a worry, it will not last. (Aside from love, of course:)
oops...i just checked and was wrong about the particular author of that post...sorry, disregard and keep the rest...
Wow, just wow. Amazing. I was suppose to leave the house on a promise I made an hour ago, but I haven't been able to stop reading.
Negativity? I just hear emotions and feelings, one's that I can relate to. I'm currently at a crossroads in my life and seeing some of the bold decisions that you've made, make me think, is it that easy to just step down? Do I have any dreams left? Why don't I want more? What am I missing to be happy? Or am I happy already?
In all seriousness if I hadn't made some promises to do stuff today I know I would sit down, read everything you've ever posted and then really think about my life.
Now I have something to look forward to when I get home. Please, don't stop writing, because in finding yourself I think you'll help many others find themselves too.
Post a Comment