Gold Teeth and Johnny Cash

While searching for waterfront property to buy about a month back I found this sandy beach state park called Fair Haven State Park just two hours away on Lake Ontario. Rob and I decided that at the end of April we would go for a long weekend. We left this last Sunday after church and stayed two nights in one of their rustic cabins. This was the view from our front door. Beautiful and calm.

This is the inside of the cabin - perfect for us. Four cots, some shelves and a fridge. They are only about $50 per night and well worth being able to be in the outdoors 90% of your day, sit around a campfire drinking wine with the hubby at night while children sleep, yet protected in case of rain. Also I am a bit nervous about the stranger aspect of camping in tents with my kids so I like that you can lock the door.Our neighbors to the right were entertaining to say the least. A couple in their 60's that, due to a handicap park pass only had to pay $2.50 per night to stay so during the warm months they actually turn off most of their utilities in their home and live in the park because they love nature and it actually saves them money. He had two gold front teeth and talked like boomhower from King of the Hill. Their mini van was maybe worth $500 but inside his cabin he had two Taylor guitars (each worth about $2000). Too funny! And so he'd play and sing Johnny Cash while Elise danced (sometimes joined by Daddy) and Mal played with their three dogs. (I'm more of a toe tapper smiling as I watched my family have so much impromptu fun). He'd get done with each song and say as if talking to a large crowd "Thank you, thank you" and Elise and I would clap as his wife rolled her eyes. They kept lending my kids bootlegged kids movies... And their little pug would come over to our campsite, sit quietly, and when one of the kids finally handed her a graham cracker she'd slowly walk over to her own campsite and sit down to eat it. Very cute little dogs. These folk were quirky but very nice and kind of made the trip.

Sunsets there were beautiful.

The kids loved the beach even in 50 degree weather.

Elise was especially interested in the drift wood and this is a whole log we found.

It was a fun trip but cold for sure. We weren't sure if the cabin had heat when we went and found out it didn't. The first night was fine but the next day was a bit hard to keep warm and around 6pm with my husband happily beside a fire and my kids watching a bootlegged monsters vs aliens I told Rob I'd be back, I was exploring and drove to a Walmart where I bought two small space heaters on clearance for $7 each. SO GLAD I DID. That night was frigid. About 36 degrees with a storm so fierce I prayed at one point for God to not let a tree fall on my car. It was still very cold in the cabin but the space heaters took the edge off just enough that we could sleep.

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This park is absolutely beautiful and would be a great place to take your family especially in the warmer months when you could enjoy the beach. many of the regular camping spots give you a full view of Lake Ontario as it stretches out endlessly. There's a great playground, clean bath houses and tons of wildlife. If you need to, we'd even lend you our space heaters - But you'll have to find our cool neighbors on your own. I'm sure they'll be there somewhere. :)

Vanity, vantity, all is vanity.

Restless. No other way to say it. I am restless.

I find myself approaching 30, youngest child registered for kindergarten, well settled into my marriage relationship and thinking long and hard about life.

I have never lived where I chose to. I have never be able to pick a home for myself and my family. I have followed Rob's dream for so long I realize that I have no dreams of my own. No goals.

And I hate it.

I live these day sad and restless. Crying all the time. And Mom if you ask me about my meds or anything else I'll scream. Just sayin'. You've been officially warned. This goes deeper than anything meds could touch.

I want something I can connect with. Work just seems like work to me. I don't hate it but I don't love it.

Home is not mine - that's the easiest way to say it. A parsonage is always someone elses from the yard to the roof and many times even if I think about making changes I then rationalize "Why bother. They can move us at anytime and the next pastor might hate the changes we've made." So I live without the qualities that any home I would pick would HAVE to have - a porch for starters... A kitchen with matching appliances, which parsonages NEVER have because if one breaks someone donates their old one when they buy a new one no matter how much coin the church has stashed away.... So much for my husband's 90 credit master's degree....

I hate Rob's job, have I mentioned that lately? Yes, hate it. Since day one. Actually since a year before day one when he first brought it up to me. He accepts this information with a grin knowing my feelings but appreciating that out of love for him I go with it.

These days I have been researching various cities all over the US and the world. Various dwellings too. An Earth Ship in New Mexico to live off the grid in a peaceful existence. A flat in Austin, TX to be near the thriving music scene. Centuries old homes/apartments in Europe where time almost stands still and there is a fresh marketplace under my window. There's a Best Buy in Turkey and my manager knows a manager there. Transfer anyone?

But honestly at work I am restless too. To the dismay of my bosses I recently asked to be de-moted because I don't like what my job has morphed into over the last few months. But alas they denied me my request. Probably a good thing since, as Rob gently pointed out to me one night, I wouldn't be any happier in another position because the problem's not work.

Rob asked me that same night why I started going to school last year and my response was "To not make minimum wage". He said this was a terrible reason to go to school. He asked what my goals were and I said after a minute, "I have none." And he looked sad. I said defensively, "Well what am I supposed to do?! I couldn't go to culinary school - that was a goal, and I'm still heartbroken over that..." As I've pondered this conversation more I have come to realize that all of my childhood and early adult dreams have failed so my heart is growing cold. Culinary school, nope. Lots of kids - nope (many miscarriages and horrible post part. depression), a home with a husband working a 9-5 - nope. hanging with my siblings care free - nope (my whole family's dynamics changed the day my brother Joe died), being in the music/journalism scene - nope, having a church family that I remember as a child before you get older and see all of the non-Jesus like daily happenings like back stabbing, greed, stubbornness, and just plan meanness.... Nope. Nope. Nope. Frickin' nope.

Almost every day I think to myself "vanity, vanity, all is vanity."

But what do I want? Can I stop being so angry inside? The answer to those two questions, I don't know.

Rob's Birthday

Rob's 37th Birthday was March 13th and for it I surprised him and the kids with tickets to see PUSH - Physical Theater. It was amazing! I have added a link here to my youtube page so you can see one of their pieces done to the actual air traffic control tape of the flight that landed in the Hudson last year. They chose it because of how calm all of the people involved are. Pilots are actually trained to practice being calm and PUSH shared that we, as Christians, should practice being calm when faced with hard situations too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qp-dG1Jpe20

Malachi got to meet all 5 members of the team and was very happy with himself.

They have a kids camp in the summer that teaches children how to perform this form of art. It's called PUSH PINS and Malachi is very inetersted in going. We are looking very seriously into it for him.

As for gifts the kids and I decided to all paint him a picture. Elise and I were happy with ours but Mal started his over prob 4x on the same canvas so in the end it was not a good example of his artistic ability but still, a gift made with love.